One hurdle crossed...

It's Wednesday again. Time flies, especially when you're having fun. Now that I have a designated blog day, I find myself itching to blog more but I won't. I am intent on sticking to the plan that I have laid out for myself. So whats happened since last week?

Big news: I have a Thesis Committee. Dr. PI and I had been talking about it for a while but stuff came up (a big grant proposal) and it took a back seat. Thankfully, I knew who I wanted on it for the most part- one spot was a toss up. We thought of getting an MD since we study a disease but in the end decided to go with a PhD with the option of bringing in an MD later. On Wednesday I got a "gentle reminder" that I was approaching the end of Year Two and needed to have the committee in place before then. That was great because by the time Friday ended, I had 5 confirmations to my requests. I got 0 rejections so I only had to do the dance once. For that I am thankful. I haven't spoken to many people who have gotten rejections but I am not great with them, especially after my fourth rotation ordeal which I will post about later. I am really happy to have it out of the way. Hopefully i will have all my signatures in place by Monday and turn in my form. Then I will really start panicking about the introductory meeting. 

This brings me to my next point. I need to develop a "Polker Face". Seriously. I can't hide how I feel. You can tell exactly how I'm feeling by just looking at my face. This may not be such a good thing at said meeting since they will know when I'm annoyed, exasperated, etc. I don't want to give my emotions away in a flash. Eg, if I get asked a tough question it will take all my will power not to look heavenward or roll my eyes. I need to start working on controlling my face and appearing expressionless. 

This past weekend was Memorial Day weekend and I actually took the day off. I needed to regroup since an experiment I'm trying to iron out keeps giving me mixed results. I went to  Big City Closest to Mine with some Chinese friends to eat "dim sum" and shop and an international food market. It was an enjoyable trip despite the endless 3 hour drive (6 both ways with stops for gas). I hate driving long distances but I decided t go on this trip to get away from My City since I haven't left it in about 21 months. Now it's back to work.

I have been going to Zumba consistently and I even bought some gym clothes. Nothing fancy but more comfortable for taking the trek to the gym. I am very self conscious.

Anyway, off to do some imaging to I can run to the gym.

Toodles,
Dee.

I know more than I think

I am going nuts because at some point in the near future I need to have my first committee meeting and meet the people who will decide if I am able to continue on in this journey. I feel like I know nothing but I started a ppt to jot down the main ideas I'd like to address and realizing that I do know  a thing or two. Oh brain, why do you do this to me??

One week in

A week (or so) ago I posted about things I want both immediately and in the distant future. I think the actual post itself helped me put things in perspective and I'm becoming happier that I deciced to do this. Last week I decided to blog regularly so Wednesdays have become "blog post day". I have had so many ideas for today's post that there is no way that I will remember it all (write down brilliant ideas should be on my list off new lifestyle changes-I always have great questions or ideas that I seem to forget).

So in addition to "blog day", I have also instituted "mouse room day" which is Tuesday  (morning). My research group (3 of us..haha) uses mice as our animal model and I sometimes dread going down there. The tech takes care of most of the general housekeeping duties but I have a specific colony that I take care of and I essentiall put off going there until the last possible oppoyrtunity. This end now!!! Every Tuesday regardless of whether matings are going on (unless I'm uber busy and know that all is well) I will go check up on my guys.

I need to develop good habits which are so easy to start but so hard to maintain. If I stop one day, then all is shot to hell so I have written a general list of the things I need to get done and I am trying to stay as true to the schedule as I can. For instance, I re-started going to the gym. I went a few times last semester but I could barely keep up so I stopped. It's a dance class and I am so uncoordinated it's laughable. This black girl cannot dance, YET!!! But I will stick with it for the summer and hopefully I will improve vastly and if not, it means that I kept up the commitment.

One of the scientists I follow on Twitter posted a link to an article which I read and there was some great advice for current PhD students. I don't have it since I didn't save it so sorry, but, it did say that you should work a normal schedule eg. a 9-5 so I have also taken that advice. Before Monday (yesterday) I used to get to lab anywhere between 10 and 11 but I have now decided to go in at 9 everyday and stay till 5 unless I have to stay later to complete experiments. So that is new as well. Waking up is pure hell for me. I can't wake up and be out the house in 10 mins like some people. I need to eat breakfast (instilled from childhood) and shower (I shower 2x daily except on some Saturdays) and most importantly to me prayer/devotional time. Though it is most important it suffers most for now but hopefully as I get used to the routine things will pick up and I can spend QT with the Man up there.

Another drastic step that I took was to take a hiatus from Twitter. I swear I am addicted to it. Facebook Will be next ( I need to wean myself off social networking slowly). I love Twitter. I had 2 apps on my phone and checked them all day long for news, tidbits from all the scifolks I follow and updates into the lives of acquaintance (none of my close friends tweets regularly-IM works better for that). I took the break because 1) I checked it way too regularly 2)I figured that the great scifolks did not have the distraction of Twitter during their grad years and they turned into the awesome people they are now. Don't get me wrong, I use Twitter for news both "regular" and scientific. I follow the Times, ABC, CBS, Science, Cell, Nature so its not all mindless social networking but I need to be able to control my use of it better.

I have begun actively getting ready for my qualifying exam. I would like to set up my first committee meeting at the end of June so I have to get a small presentation ready. I am reading and taking notes systematically, unlike the notes I have scattered all over my apt or attached to the journals from which I make them. I had bought some colored paper a few weeks ago to help inspire me to get on with it (studying) but since then I have re-evaluated and I am getting on with it for the right reasons. So yes, I am using those nice pastel colored sheets to make notes on the various topics which I believe I should be very well versed in in order to successfully complete my Qual/Comp. I started over the weekend and so far so good. Just tonight I read two articles on a procedure I am using in my research and got some ideas for some assays I can use to strengthen my case. I am aiming to have the actual exam in October or November so that gives me ample time to generate some solid preliminary data and write a badass proposal.

Yesterday we got a new rotation student and today we lost her. I was looking forward to having someone around to pass on my  limited knowledge to and use as a reason to read study so I could answer any and all her questions but alas, it was not meant to be. She got accepted into Medical school and will explore whether she wants to pursue an MD or a PhD. Lucky her. We are expecting one later on in the summer so I have time to soak up knowledge.

I changed my cable and Internet provider. Got a real sweet deal from my wireless provider (until they do something that makes me mad) so I signed up for the services from them. I get more channels than I do now and the same Internet speed, and some cash cards. I am trying to cut back on the amount of tv I watch during the week. Last night DWTS finale was supposed to be my last weeknight show until the NBA finals start. After that it will be a juggling act to catch some of the Olympic events that I enjoy: gymnastics, swimming, diving and sprints, without compromising my study time.

One the new friend front, I invited a classmate to lunch and she forgot, then cancelled due to illness and I have not heard from her again. Maybe God is trying to tell me something or maybe the devil is trying to detract me. How am I supposed to figure out which one it is and act accordingly? Oh the puzzles of life. Time will tell. Let's see if she initiates contact since I did the first time.
Update: She did. She messaged yesterday and we had lunch today. It went well and we agreed to do it more often. I am happy.

That was a lot of updating for one week. Hopefully I will have more updates and good news regarding sticking to the plan.

Toodles,
Dee

Starting Over

I have had structure in my life from a young age though not from the start. I was uprooted and moved in with my dad's family when I was 8 and there was structure. I still remember how I felt on the day that I actually moved in. I was afraid of the unknown-new school, new faces, new bed, new family, new life. Based on where I am today, you'd think that it turned out great, but it didn't. I always felt like an outsider trying to fit in-at home, at school and in social settings. I still feel that way most of the time. I have friends, lots of friends actually.Most people claim to have one or two but I have quite a few, though all aren't "equal". I have a couple from elementary school, i added a few in high school and added more at community college and then a few more at college. I l have most of the ones I started off with though some have been left behind.

But back to structure (I tend to digress alot), I had it for a long time and when it is lost I lose my way and don't know what to do. I feel like I am in the middle of the ocean, barely staying afloat and with no land in sight in any direction so I have no idea which way to start swimming. this feeling resurfaced this past year when I joined my "thesis lab". In the first year, the program was all laid out-classes and rotations. Now that I am in my lab (though I do have to take some classes) I spend most of my time in lab. There I have no real supervision. My lab is 4 persons-PI, Postdoc, LabTech and me. Pi doesn't spend much time in lab except for coming in randomly to discuss the project, give a few ideas on the direction he wants to go (2-4 hrs of discussion between 3 of us [minus Tech]) and then leaves myself and PostDoc to our own devices of implementing his master plan. PostDoc is going through stuff of his own both in lab and at home and has his own projects which he wants to develop and work on so I am pretty much on my own. I don't have a very strong research background. I have 1 summer internship to my name and a senior project designed by my mentor and me together and done by me under his close supervision.

I don't mean to be whiny because I sort of knew what I was getting into here. I thought I could handle it and motivate myself so I would be able to thrive here but I couldn't. I had rotated with a Micromanager who wouldn't let anyone but the lab manager make buffers. That is for another time. My problem is that I have no set guidelines or know how to proceed when I have little guidance and no real deadlines. I work too well under pressure and usually leave things to the last minute. At the last minute I will rage and cry and scream at myself for waiting until the last minute but I will get the work done. It is a cycle that I have repeated many times. I know that it is unhealthy and I would like it to stop before something really disastrous happens. I am actually working on it. I set deadlines for myself but they don't ever seem to be of much help-probably because I know in my head that it is imagined instead of set in stone.

So I am embarking on this new project to change my habits and hopefully help me thrive in this work environment. I usually try to make sweeping changes in my life which I always fail at keeping up. So with that acknowledged, I will pace myself. There are lots of things I want to do and change but I realize that I cannot do them all at once and be successful. I want a hobby, something which can give me gratification, which isn't time consuming but will help me cope with the stress of grad school and being alone. I want to be a mentor. That is funny since I have no real good example of what a mentor should be but I do. I would like to help young persons, particularly women of color to realize their full potential. I hate that they grow up in a society which places importance on money, celebrity, fashion and the overall objectification of our gender. I want to tutor elementary students (I think high schoolers may be too far gone and that my efforts won't yield fruit [selfish I know but it's how I feel]) in math and science and hopefully steer them towards careers in my science or STEM. I want a car. I can't drive, I've never learnt but I do want to learn and own a car. That is a very long term goal since I can't afford one right now. I am being responsible and paying off my undergrad student loan right now. I wish that I wasn't. I wish that I could be irresponsible and not care but I can't. My mom and aunts ingrained the importance of fiscal responsibility in me and I can't abandon it. So a license and car will have to wait but I hope to one day own one. I want to travel,especially home. I hate flying but it's part of the package. Again, I am held back by other financial responsibilities so I don't have much left over for anything fun. Since coming here for graduate school, I have never left. I have not seen my family or friends in over a year (2 yrs in August).It hurts sometimes especially when I feel depressed but it can't be helped. I can't afford it yet. I would like to clear all of my credit card debt and use the payments towards saving for a trip home. Hopefully I will be done in June or July and start the "trip home fund".

All of the above are great but there are more immediate pressing goals. I want to take my Quals (graduate school exam to be admitted to candidacy). The deadline is before the end of 3rd year. I had initially planned to take it this past April but work got in the way so my new self imposed deadline is November. I want to commit to daily devotional time. I will expand on matters of faith in future posts. For now, I am a Christian trying to walk the straight and narrow path but encountering obstacles along the way which make the broad crooked path appealing. I want to make a new friend. I have been here 2 years and don't have someone I'd call a friend here in the city. I don't have anyone to hang out with or call up to go to the movies, for drinks or talk to face to face. I want to write a post a week. I will try my best to keep to this commitment and others that I have set up in order to achieve the other immediate goals. I will discuss those individually in future posts and update on my progress.

For now, I must run.

Toodles,
Dee

Spilling my guts

I started this blog with the aim of emptying my thoughts into the universe and releasing them from the holding cell that is my brain. Thus far I am doing a terrible job. I still have those thoughts, and I often say, "I will blog about this" but I find myself too lazy to put in the effort to type. If I could speak the blog into existence it would probably have well over 100 posts by now since my brain is very active. I think of all kinds of  things: politics (and how much I hate it esp when it intrudes in on science), my faith and all the ways I am failing at living up to God's expectations of me, where I am and where I'm headed in life and much more.

I had to deliberately commit to writing this post. I logged in and was immediately sucked into reading some of the new blog posts on my reading list. I almost didn't write my own. I get distracted very easily. I always decide to do something and something else comes up and before I know it I have no idea what I started in the first place. It is an area which I desperately need to work on but haven't a clue where to start.

I'm in lab after having a day of mixed results. Run a PCR overnight and I wasn't pleased with the results so I had to run it again. I'd been putting it off for weeks, maybe months but I finally decided to get it done and over with. I'm glad that I did. That's one thing crossed off the virtual list. I was also able to take some pretty great pictures (PI is pleased) of my ES cell colonies that I'm growing. I was even able to see some GFP positive ones which is a bonus and felt like icing on the cake. We a writing a grant based on my thesis work and I the green colonies means the construct that I spent months building works. Hooray!! for me. I also had some not so good results with a DNA prep that I was trying to do. I don't think that the phenol that I used to make the phenol/chloroform was good. so I have to go back to picking colonies in a while (literal pain in the neck being hunched over the microscope). Overall its been a good day.

The best thing which happened was personal but I dare not share on here. Let's just say that I learnt a very important lesson and I have a new outlook on my life.

I've been doing a lot of blog reading in the last few weeks and I honestly think that blogging is one of the most awesome "inventions" ever. I love reading posts from people around the country or world who I can relate to. One of them started back in 2009 when she was nearing the end of her PhD and blogs about her experiences during and after with advice tossed in. This experience has been a bit strange for me. It may be difficult to believe since I attend a pretty big university with a large graduate school and I am part of an incoming class of more than 70 in my theme but I feel terribly alone sometimes. Reading the experiences of someone who has been through it and survived, and has "stuff" that I can identify with makes me feel better. Feeling this alone may be due to the fact that 90% of my time of of lab is spent by myself. I have been here almost 2 years and I have no one I can call a friend. I have acquaintances from classes, people I smile at in the hallway but there is no one person or group that I hang out with. Maybe while reading previous and future posts a general idea of the kind of person I am will form and my predicament will be easier to understand.

All of my friends live far away from me, even the in-state one who live 1 hr away by car is technically far since I don't drive. I talk on the phone and IM but it's not the same as having someone physically present. I am going to actively attempt at developing relationships with other "real" people but I have such low expectations for that endeavor that I doubt anything will come of it.

As you can see, there was no real theme here but I felt like releasing these thoughts so that I can make room for some more.

Hopefully my future posts will be more themed and organized like the ones I enjoy so much.

Toodles,
Dee.

Harsh Realization

I have come to a harsh realization. i'm not sure how I am going to "recover" from it but I will. Life goes on though not always as we expect or how we would hope. I'm going to need all of my strength and faith to endure but I will. I am a survivor and will be better for it. Some lessons are best learnt the hard way.

"The night is darkest before dawn"

Dee