The Double lives of Scientists

I noticed something very early on in grad school. Most scientists or grad students have double lives. I don't mean Jekyll and Hyde like but rather lives outside of science (which is a great thing to have). Many of the scientists I stalk follow on twitter and in the blogosphere are scientists AND writers, exercise enthusiasts, musicians etc. I am jealous. From an early age, I was a serial student and that has been my life up to this point. I don't play any instruments. I can write decently for assignments and I dislike exercise (not loathe it but outside of the health benefits-I don't find it pleasurable. Zumba doesn't count). I've posted on here about my need to find a hobby. Something to do that is completely separate from my work and pleasurable. I honestly don't know if I can since I feel like I'm to old to start and commit to anything [at my age-late 20s]. The sad part is that my lack of a hobby actually takes up more time than I'd like it to in my waking consciousness.

I've always admired people who can multitask. One of my best friends was a brilliant student, plays steel pan and took piano all through high school. I admire real student athletes who are scholars and great athletes. I honestly don't know how they do it but I think that starting early in childhood has been an asset.

So why didn't I participate in any extra curricular activities? Well for one, there weren't many opportunities available in the rural village that I grew up in ans the few that were available were closed off from me. Or rather I was closed off from them. If given the opportunity, I think I could have been really good at netball or volleyball. the few times I've tried during adulthood, I enjoyed it and was complimented by others. But I was never given the opportunity. I was raised by a patriarch who believed that education was the be all end all. If you showed academic promise early on then your sole focus would be academics with ZERO outside distractions. It never occurred to him that it may actually add value to your life.Never mind that he was an avid cricketer and footballer all through his youth into old age. Nope, my siblings and I were confined to school, home and church. Thankfully my brothers have found something that interests them and they are really good at it. They take karate classes. I'm really proud of them both for being able to break free of their 'shackles'. Me not so much. So I am here, in grad school, still trying to find exactly where I can fit in.

Dee

I wonder...

If I knew how my life would have been and had a choice, Would I have chosen to come into the world?

If the insight only showed the first 16 years of my life then most probably not. No I didn't have an AWFUL childhood (as in I was always fed and clothed) but sometimes the emotional burden which one has to endure may dwarf that physical provision. Never being good enough, constantly under the threat of loosing life or  limb (male parent always threatened that if Moi did not do well in school-first in class- moi would would be maimed), waiting for the big screw-up that will result in the abandonment of the "no beatings" policy. Although the pain of those few beatings that were endured has long since faded, the emotional scars of the tongue lashings remain and are revisited quite often-too often.

If however, I would have been told that despite carrying those emotional scars, I would end up here then I think I would have braved those turbulent times for a shot at what it today. I like my life now, though I am not quite satisfied with what I've done thus far. I know that I am very much capable of doing more and I will do more-not an option.

I have my faith and some pretty strong convictions which were forged from the flames of that time. I am a feminist-not a man hater but someone who believes in accepting and celebrating women for who they are as well as who they are not and they are NOT men. I developed independence. I left home at 20 to go to college although I had never been away from my family for any amount of time. I am now here, again leaving the home I knew for 4 years and diving into the unknown. And proud to say I am making it. I've learnt at an early (ish) age to appreciate the simple things of life-here today gone tomorrow. I enjoy blue skies, flowers, birds and even the cold I abhor because it adds to the flavor and story that is my life. I love and I'm loved. I have friends and family who have a ridiculous amount of faith in me-more than I dare have in myself. I have a partner who I've found after much trial and error on both our parts. Our journeys to each other were by no means easy but by the time we did stumble upon each other, broken-hearted and about to give up on that kind of love, we knew enough to recognize what we saw in each other. Two years in and growing closer despite distance and time, I'm thankful I found him.


 I have a story, a voice and now I have a platform. I've been given opportunities I could only dream of and I hope to do the same for others someday.

So I think I would brave those first few years that have carved me into woman I am today.

Dee

Testing

Just got my phone and testing out this app. Will make it much easier to blog more consistently since I''ll be able to at times when I'm idle (not much of that but few opportunities arise) e.g. on the bus

I miss Twitter...ALOT!!!

I decided to take a break from twitter to help better manage my time so that when I do get back on I won't be spending as much time on as I used to. But I have to say, I really miss it. I miss knowing whats going on with the virtual family I have followed into. I look forward to my return later this week.

Weird Things I Think About

Musings of my mind...will continue to update as the weird thoughts come through

1. Was Jesus the product of Parthenogenesis?

2. Was Jesus homozygous at every locus (2 exact copies of all His chromosomes)?
           this one kinda has me thinking since Mary was female and would result in Him having 2 Xs- was 'He' even male. Then again, if I believe that God made man from dirt, it shouldn't be a stretch to believe that he could convert an X to a Y to accomplish his goal.

The dreaded "Annual"

Tomorrow, I'm having my cervix examined....Urgh. I'm treating myself by cheating on my plan by blogging today AND tomorrow.

On a serious note, it's kinda necessary since my family with whom I share mitochondrial DNA have a history of  reproductive system issues. I'm not yet 30 and have had 2 colposcopies-both were fine but it's still unnerving.

Take care of the vajayjay ladies, might come in useful some day (if it hasn't already). Til tomorrow,



Toodles.

Dee

Update: I just got the results and they were normal. Yay me!!! My very first normal pap smear.

A somewhat successful week

I've just escaped returned from a small gathering honoring a member of staff. This served as a very real reminder of what I think I hate the most about science-schmoozing (which they call networking). It's when you go around a room and strike up short conversations with people that you barely know in the hopes of getting your name out there, finding out what people are up to and potentially setting up the foundations for future collaborations.

The thing is, I can't just walk up to someone and strike up a conversation. I feel really awkward. If someone I know is talking to them and I come by and join the conversation, I can go along but otherwise I'm doomed. I participated in recruitment activities for new grad students this past spring and on every occasion I hung out with the same people in my department who I had known. They engaged the students and I stood, laughed and smiled where appropriate and offered a few comments or answered questions. I have already decided that I will not go through that torture again. I can handle lunch or dinner but not large scale events (or even small ones with people I find intimidating).

I am so not cut out for the mainstream science careers where networking skills are a necessity to get ahead. I like to build relationships, start slow and progress not jump in.I realize that it will be almost unavoidable during graduate school and I have two options-try to 'fix' this fear by going to more and more activities or try to avoid them as much as I can. I am committing to neither. Time will tell which prevails.

Btw, I did make sure that the honoree and a few other people saw me there so that people can say that they saw me if my boss asks.

Now, on to better things. This week I finally set up my first committee meeting. It is in a little over a month so I really need to start working on my presentation and reading more literature. It isn't the qualifying exam (that may be in fall or spring depending on my workload). I am excited yet terrified. I hope that I can present one of those talks that I see others giving at grad student meetings or seminars. i will work on it though I make no guarantees.

Over the weekend I posted that I would be having a conversation at the end of July. Guess what?? I couldn't wait. Something triggered me and I had the talk last night instead. I was essentially me telling LD Partner to get his act together or we'd have to end this relationship so that we could both move on. We had a really long heart to heart. I realized that I've been really short with him the last few weeks and that I was part of the problem. We weren't talking as much a and that was getting to me but turns out, it was partly my fault. He said he began feeling awkward when we talked because I would give harsh responses so he stopped talking altogether. Another thing that lead me to deciding on the talk was my view that he was growing spiritually. I'm a Christian (raised Catholic but tending towards Reformed Theology) and as a rule, a Christian can't marry a non-Christian or part-time Christian, which is what most of the Catholics I know are. Off course this is long distance so I can't observe everyday differences so I relied mostly on our conversations to determine whether any changes had taken place in the weeks since his last visit. Enter problem -we weren't doing much speaking. When I did bring it up last night he revealed that he was doing things differently, thinking differently and reading his Bible more. That warmed my heart but I want more and spelt it out to him. He agreed with me and we've decided to move forward as a unit with better communication.

From my 2 month jump in the timing of the conversation, you can see that I'm fairly impulsive. Eg 2-I went online last night ans saw that the new smartphone that I had been stalking for the last month was available for preorder. Wouldn't you know it, I placed my order. It certainly didn't help that my phone has been acting up lately. My trackpad doesn't work right, my cursor jumps all over the screen when my phone is in sunlight (or outside in general even in winter). So I bought a phone. But before I bought the phone I bought cases for the phone. Talk about cart before horse. I bought a set of cases for $11 (5 cases in various  colors and 3 screen protectors). So now I wait with baited breath until my cases and phone arrive in the mail so I can play with my shiny new toy.

All in all, I'd say I've had a pretty decent week out of lab. In lab, not so much but I won't bother going into the details of sorting out optimum PCR conditions or waiting on things to arrive to get going with experiments.


Toodles,
Dee

T- 2 months

I anticipate that in two months I will need to have "A conversation". Why? There are issues that I am dealing with right now which I anticipate will not be resolved by then. It's sad to think about but giving this 2 months to sort itself out is very generous of me. Tomorrow isn't promised so I am going on God's good grace that I will be here in two months to have this conversation. I am posting this so that I will have proof that the conversation was not spur of the moment but rather a long process. On August 1, I will post about whether I needed to have said conversation or not and expound a bit one what I am dealing with now and how it is resolved.